Will You Risk It For a Biscuit?
Babies are like ecstasy pills. You’ve read about the dangers, the pitfalls, the side-effects, but all of your friends are doing it so you plough on and have one regardless.
Be warned. Babies are a gateway to harder and harder middle-aged drugs of choice. Like caravans. And nicely-topiaried bay trees.
You know when you’ve taken the plunge and then moments later that nervous feeling kicks in? Have you done the right thing? Are you going to be able to cope with this experience? What’s that strange buzzing noise you can hear?
You have, you will and it’s just the sound of your breasts being mechanically milked as you attempt expressing for the first time.
Otherwise known as having twins. Not to be recommended, unless you have a life support team on hand.
The Warehouse Parties
The derelict warehouse may have been replaced with one of the ‘Wacky’ variety, but it’s much the same.
The taps in the toilets don’t work, you’re surrounded by people with their tits out there’s a bunch of kids with dummies in their mouths jumping up and waving glow sticks (aka “Wotsits”).
The Repetitive Beats
Kids music is REPETITIVE. If you thought there was a limit to the times you can bounce up and down on a big red tractor, you would be wrong my friend.
The Back Rubs
They never used to end with a loud burp and a bit of milky sick in your ear, and you actually KNOW the recipient, but you’re still spending large portions of your night administering back rubs to a sweaty gurning humanoid.
Will I Ever Sleep Again?
Remember when the total hours of sleep you’d get at the weekend was the same as the number of days in the weekend?
Now you’re doing well if you’ve BLINKED in the last month.
Can You Smell Weed?
Okay, so it’s actually more like “has someone weed?” You’ll see parents sniffing the air, then a look of recognition come over their faces as they recognise that sweet aroma. Yes, someone in this room has some. Concealed in their nappy.
Also, whereas you used to ask if people if they’d had any good shit recently, now you enquire if their kids have recently had a good shit.
Chatting Shit to Strangers
You’ve swopped the club toilet for the local playgroup, but the principle is the same. You talk a LOT of shit. Most of it you don’t mean, but your new-found empathy means you don’t want to offend anyone.
Like when you told the mum of that really ugly kid that he had a lot of ‘character’. Or when you agreed homeopathy might help children to learn French.
Love Is All Around
Don’t be surprised if you find yourself in love with people you’ve only just met. This can happen for the slightest of reasons. Like someone showing you a moment’s kindness. Or giving you a baby wipe when you realise you have puke down your crotch.