Stupid Things You’ve Almost Certainly Said to a Vegan or Vegetarian

Stupid Things You’ve Almost Certainly Said to a Vegan or Vegetarian

Don’t worry, I’m not going to bang on about being vegan all the time, but hot on the heels of last week’s post about part-time veganism, I thought I’d put a few pointers together as to what NOT to say to anyone trying their hand at foregoing the flesh.

DON’T YOU NEED COW’S MILK FOR CALCIUM?

Nope. There’s loads of ways to get calcium. Green leafy veg. Beans. Blackstrap molasses (answers on a postcard as to what these are).

Besides, I don’t want to turn milk into a feminist issue, but bull’s semen is packed full of loads of essential nutrients , but we’re not sticking a dick-pump on a herd of those bastards and starting a catchy advertisement campaign to shift it by the pint-load are we?

“Got spunk?”

*Cue picture of Justin Bieber with a load of white jizz around his gob and a smug look on his face. Or this one of Vinney Jones I made earlier….* 

iamsalt make mine milk

BUT PLANTS FEEL PAIN

Yeah, possibly. But they are far more capable of giving us shit than any farm animal would left to its own devices.  Any of you who have ever been stung by nettles or fallen out of an apple tree can attest to that. I say eat those f*ckers.

IF YOU LOT DON’T LIKE MEAT SO MUCH, WHY DO THEY MAKE VEGGIE FOOD LOOK LIKE IT?

For the record the ONLY substitute in the Veg(etari)an world that looks the same as its meat equivalent are sausages. And last time I looked, sausages do not look like meat either.

They are not a ‘cut’. They are the jet-washed remnants from an already plucked-clean carcass, scooped off the abattoir floor and squeezed into a tube of collagen derived from animal hides, bones and tendons.

As no advertising campaign for them has said ever “Wall’s Have Ears.”

CAVE MEN ATE MEAT. YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE TODAY IF IT WASN’T FOR CAVE MEN EATING MEAT. 

Yes. And we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for cave men hitting women over the head before having sex with them. But in this day and age there IS an alternative.  And no, I don’t mean Rohypnol.

IF WE DIDN’T EAT FARM ANIMALS WE’D BE OVERRUN BY THEM

Basic fact: to become overrun with a species, it has to breed more quickly than it dies. Really quickly. Given most farm animals are artificially inseminated, there’s not much danger of that.

In fact, put two pigs in a pen together and chances are the female will head to the nearest Ham Summers shop to buy a cup of semen, a piece of rubber tubing and a blow up farmer.  But not before she’s had a good laugh at the ludicrous shape of the male pig’s cock.

So no, our towns are not about to turn into no-frills Pamplonas.

GOD SAYS WE HAVE DOMINION OVER ALL ANIMALS

Let’s say he exists, and let’s say The Bible is an accurate portrayal of what he wanted us to do, then he also says thou shalt not kill. In fact, he made that one a commandment, whereas the bit about dominion over everything (gen 1:24) is like a plumber fixing a sink in a porno –just a bit of padding before Adam and Eve get their sex on while he watches (1:28).

HITLER WAS A VEGETARIAN AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED THERE

This is my absolute favourite. It’s  suggesting that one minute you‘re abstaining from meat and the next you’re inviting Jewish friends over to admire your new shower room.

Do you spot a mate taking part in Movember and say “Oooh, Hitler had a moustache you know. It’s Kristallnacht all over again.” No, because that would be insane.

But at least Hitler did actually have a moustache, because he sure as hell wasn’t a vegetarian.

I don’t want to get all culinary history lesson on you but a 1937 article entitled ‘At Home With The Fuhrer’  has it that ‘he occasionally relishes a slice of ham’  and his personal cook Dione Lucas recalled that his favourite dish was ‘stuffed pigeon’.  He probably liked to serve it up in an early version of Come Die With Me.

The reason the myth endures is twofold. Firstly, Geobbels, the one-man, no-balled propaganda machine, allegedly invented the rumour to emphasize ‘the distance that separated Hitler from other normal men’. Although everyone knows the distance that separated him from normal men was about 4 inches.

Secondly, he went semi-veggie to try and cure his chronic flatulence. That’s why the swastika, emblem of the Nazis, look like windmills.*

*Okay that bit is not true, but the rest is.

So there you have it. At least some of it. In fact I don’t know what it is. Just don’t say them.  THANKS!

Have you been on the receiving end of any other stoopid statements? Or been guilty of propagating a few yourself? Stick ‘em in the comments box and free yourself of their tyranny.

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[photo credit: fortinbras Kohlrabi via photopin (license)]

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