You know what they say, ‘a week is a long time in politics, but it’s a fucking lifetime in parenting’.
If you, like me, are feeling somewhat jaded by recent events and would like to know what the future has in store, well fret ye not my lovelies. For I have rubbed some balls, read a couple of reward charts and worked out how much of a domestic shit storm you are in for with this week’s parent horoscopes. It’s a gift I have.
Some bad news will come from close quarters this week. Perhaps the death of a beloved pet, an elderly relative, or the school’s boiler. Prepare yourself by digging a hole in the back garden, remembering the good times together, or pretending you didn’t get the message and dropping them off at the school gates anyway.
An incident with a marble and a curious pre-schooler will have you wishing you’d bought Vaseline on the weekly shop. Try washing up liquid, but don’t be surprised if there are tears before bedtime. If you like clothes, this week is a good one to wear some.
With the sun still rising in the sky every day, this is a great time to be tackling something you’ve been putting off for a while. Perhaps your pelvic floor exercises. Or effective parenting. A You Tube video of adults opening Kinder Eggs will trigger long-buried psychological issues.
An NHS helpline figures prominently this week. Don’t expect to get the answers you were hoping for. On Tuesday a handsome man will ask you your name. Sadly it is just the Barista at your local Starbucks.
Friday is a good day to share some intimacy with your partner. Just make sure you put a chair under the door handle first. Single? A stranger smiling at you in the street could spell the start of something. Probably paranoia that you have chocolate buttons smeared on your face.
This is a brilliant week to volunteer for the PTA. With Venus in the retrograde, all the sh*ttiest jobs have probably already been taken. A child’s ill-timed poo means you’re late for a date with destiny. And every other date you’ve made since they were born.
You may be eager to crack on to the next phase in your life. Like empty nesting. Sadly the adage of ‘they grow up so quickly’ is bullshit. Doubts will also start to resurface about whether you shook the bottle of Calpol or not.
Your child’s unpredictable behaviour will have you scratching your head this week. As will their nits. Really yanking their hair with a comb will get rid of them. It might also help with the nits. An undiagnosed bunion will spell disaster on a mum’s night out.
A customary game of hide and seek will take an unexpected turn this week when your child actually manages to conceal themselves from view. Single? A nappy down the toilet could spell the start of a something special with a plumber.
You’ll get an interesting wake-up call this week. This may take the form of a letter from abroad, or just your kid stood by your bed reciting the Paw Patrol theme tune in the style of Brian Blessed. A leisurely family swim turns into a fight for survival when you realise you’ve forgotten to bring towels.
Worried that you’ve been eating too much and exercising too little? Don’t worry, with Norovirus very much entering Uranus, you’ll be avoiding food and running to and from the bathroom in no time. This week’s earworm: Everything is Awesome.
With a New Moon in the ascendancy, someone will decide they no longer want to go to an after-school club that you paid in advance for. Don’t sweat it. Revenge is a dish that is best served cold, and in the future you will get to royally embarrass the shit out of them in front of their first girl/boyfriend.
Don’t have nightmares folks.
Want a personal reading of what 2017 holds in store? Save your money. I can tell you now it’s going to be total dogshit. But you can sign up to my blog using one of the various intrusive but so far ineffectual forms located around this page. I might sound like a cynical tw*t but I do really appreciate you reading.