So a massive stack of cocaine has washed up on a beach in Norfolk.
Authorities are saying that this was a mission to bring drugs into the country gone wrong. A rare example of organised crime being so utterly disorganised they could somehow let £50million worth of uncut coke go astray.
Picture the scene on a boat drifting off the east coast of England.
“Ere, Eric, have you got the drugs?’
‘I thought you were bringing the drugs.’
‘No, I was bringing the guns. FFS, I specifically put them in neon bags so you wouldn’t forget them.’
I Have a Different Theory
Hopton-on-Sea, where the first load was found, is famous for hosting the World Indoor Bowls Championships. The second lot was found at Caister, home to one of the UK’s oldest caravan and holiday parks. These are places where 1 in 10 of the population will soon be over 85.
This wasn’t an accident. It was a mercy mission. This was a benevolent Tony Montana saying ‘take these drugs people. For one night in your life, party like it’s 1999, not 1959.’
I don’t think it’s his first attempt either. Remember that whale that washed up at Holkham in October? Guts were probably stuffed with Toot, had anyone thought to look.
The news doesn’t precisely outline how the stash was discovered. I like to think someone was out walking their dog, which, being a curious creature, had a little snuffle in the bags. It’s only when it emerged, licking its gums and talking shit that the owner thought HANG ON A MINUTE!
But what to do? On the one hand you’ve got 360 kilos of nose candy – that’s a few grams for every pensioner in the county – on the other you’ve got your scheduled visit to the Time & Tide Museum, a journey into the past set inside a converted Victorian herring curing work.
Probably best to call 101, eh?
Tony would be turning in his grave.
It is this wanton lack of imagination by the people of Norfolk that means one of its top attractions on Trip Advisor is ‘Norfolk Lavender’. In fairness, it’s not just lavender, it’s a couple of gift shops in which only nearly all of the things are made of lavender.
What Should You Do When You Find a Load of Drugs on a Beach in Norfolk?
How different Oldfolk’s fortunes could have been if it had just been a bit less honest and bit more creative with its find.
What about getting out and giving isolated and housebound over 65’s a weekly dose to perk ‘em up a bit? You could have called it Deals on Wheels.
You could have cut it with Angina meds, allowing the whole damned codger squad to get off their tits without the risk of heart attacks. Yes, it might have taken some effort to keep ‘em quiet enough to hear the Bingo calls at the local Mecca, but what larks!
Oliver Stone would have made a movie about it: Sagaface.
And just imagine the parties at the local Women’s Institute.
Doris: ‘I’m 85 you know.’
Libby: ‘Oh my god, Doris, I totally thought you were 75 or something. Did I tell you your cataracts really suits you by the way?’
Doris: ‘And I adore your colostomy bag. Is it designer?’
And the best thing about taking coke at parties when you’re old is no-one’s going to think they’re going to the bathroom a bit more often than usual.
But Cocaine is BAD, Right?
Now I am in no way condoning the use of cocaine in anyone under 65. Speaking from personal experience I spent a lot of time in my twenties listening to people talking shit about themselves whilst REALLY wanting to talk shit about myself, and I will never get that time back.
But for the geriatrics among us, I say give it a go. Hell, with your false teeth out, you’ve got a greater gum area to go at. Rub away my friends!
Because life is only going to get harder for you. Neglected by a society that shuts its old people away in We Don’t Really Care Homes so that the rest of us can continue to deny of our own mortality, what else is going to stimulate those dopamine receptors?
So yep, you should have used to enrich the lives of your senior citizens, Norfolk, instead of just handing it over.
But at least we all got to hear the National Crime Agency, without any sense of their own irony, describe the haul as a ‘major blow’. I’m surprised they didn’t do it to the soundtrack of ‘The Tide Is High’ by Blondie.
Next time send it up the Manchester Ship Canal, Mr Montana. We’ll put it in the mild at the local British Legions at the start of every week and call ‘em Happy Mondays.
[Photo credit: .v1ctor Casale. Cocaine addiction. **this Is Is a ilustration only, i’m not addicted… via photopin (license)]