The last few days have seen a flurry of features about an alleged ‘iCon smart condom’ due to hit the world of wearable tech. Apparently for a mere £59.99, anyone with an appendage will be able to record metrics including speed of thrusts, positions used and duration of session.
I came across it (ahem) via Twitter, where certain parties were placing a brown paper bag over their collective faces and breathing deeply, some with excitement, others in horror.
I can understand both reactions. Those early tech adopters sitting in their pants playing video games all day get to turn their junk into a certified games joystick, thereby killing two birds with one bone.
But in a world where women are crying out for birth control, it’s hard not to howl when society goes and gifts the men folk their very own DickBit.
My own initial reaction was what happens if it comes into contact with a coil? Is it like crossing the streams in the original Ghostbusters, where after a period of intense pyrotechnics you both end up on the floor covered in sticky white matter?
My second was it’s almost certainly fake, devised as a promotional prank to drive people to creator British Condoms’ website where you might then be seduced into buying some other sex toy with names like Screaming O Bullet and The Double Dip. It’s the claim that it can detect STDs which had me questioning its veracity. And the fact it has ‘CON’ in the name.
But, as the internet of things (or should that be thingies?) continues to build, are we really so far away from this type of tech, and should we actually welcome it?
According to the British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles , nearly half of sexually active women taking part reported at least one problem in the previous year related to lack of interest or enjoyment in sex, experiencing no sexual arousal or physical pain as a result of intercourse.
What if we really could make penises smarter to help tackle these types of problems, and, with women at the helm, what could this brave new world of wanger widgetry actually look like?
Well for a start, there’d be a moisture detector, capable of signalling when conditions are just right for entry. Taking its aural cues from a metal detector, perhaps it could make the sound a creaky door in need of an oil when bought into close proximity with a not-quite-ready yet vagina.
An orgasm signal would come as standard. This for the benefit of both parties because nothing says I’ve not really being paying attention better than having to ask. Nothing too OTT – perhaps just a discreet ping like you get with a successfully delivered message. In fact you could sync it to your email, sending an automatically generated thank-you note on activation.
A companion app could work like MyFitnessPal, charting your progress and inviting friends to give you and your partner gentle words of encouragement if you’ve not logged in for a while. We could call it MEMBERz. You could even see how you measure up against the national average thus giving you all the stats you need the next time you’re told you’re putting out loads less than their mates’ partners.
FIND MY PHALLUS
And what about a find my phallus feature, capable of detecting use outside of a relationship, and, in the event of it being confirmed by the bloodthirsty, helping the John Wayne Bobbits of this world to be reunited with their bits.
Of course, you may be thinking the whole thing sounds over-engineered, like Ivan Drago hooking himself up to the mainframe in Rocky IV when he could have been chasing chickens and punching a side of beef. Perhaps we could all just, you know, talk to one another?
But oddly we live in an age where we’re often more comfortable being intimate than talking intimately, so perhaps some dispassionate electronic intervention could be genuinely helpful. My husband and I have discussed how much easier our arguments discussions would be if each point was relayed through SIRI, in an electronic tone that denotes no judgment. I know I’d feel less awkward being told I sucked in bed by Stephen Hawking than Eddie Redmayne.
And what about the benefits for those not in a relationship?
Well, it can’t possibly hurt to know if the man you’re tempted to swipe right on is actually a massive w*nker, surely?
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